Dog Bites Woman
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
Dog Bites (Wo)Man
For all six of you out there that haven’t heard about the woman in California who was recently (in 2001) mauled to death by Nazi killer attack dogs, let me briefly recap the story for you so you may catch up with the rest of us. Uh, a woman in California was recently (in 2001) mauled to death by Nazi killer attack dogs. That’s about it. There wasn’t really much to this story when it first came out, and it seemed as if it was a simple open-and-shut case. However, the owner of the killer canines has recently (in 2001) come forward with shocking new "evidence" which has turned the entire incident upside-down, topsy-turvy, cateycorner, and all those other wacky phrases that nobody in their right mind uses anymore.
Owner gives account of fatal dog attack - The owner of two dogs involved in the attack that killed a woman in the hallway outside of her apartment said the dogs never showed any indications that they were violent. Noel also explained a letter he wrote to prosecutors that suggested that the attack may have been triggered because Whipple could have been wearing a pheromone-based perfume or might have been a steroid user. "I was contacted by an investigator who works dog cases, and I was also contacted by a professional animal trainer, who made the suggestion that those two things should be looked at from a forensics standpoint to see if that was a possibility," Noel said.
Once again, the media-induced hysterics that followed a woman getting eaten to death by a rabid dog turn out to be just that: media-induced hysterics that followed a woman getting eaten to death by a rabid dog. As clearly demonstrated by the dog’s neo-Nazi sympathizing criminal overseer, she obviously brought the attack upon herself by choosing to wear perfume. I don’t think a court in the world would convict the dog now, mainly because he’s dead (and a dog), but also because it’s been proven that the dog and his owner were not at fault in this case.
Now most of you non-American people who don’t have the luxury of interacting with the American legal system every time you’re caught urinating into the company’s water cooler may jump to false conclusions and believe that the since the dog clearly isn’t at fault, the dog owner must be. There you go again, thinking with your ignorant non-American brains. To a person who was born and raised in the United States, it’s painfully obvious who the guilty party in this situation is: the perfume company.
America is intensely proud of the complex and unnecessary legal warnings which are included with virtually every single product or service ever produced in that country. Walk into any Wal-Mart and you’re bound to see countless legal warnings stapled onto every product imaginable. The general rule of thumb in America is to assume that every single braindead yokel in their country will buy that product and attempt to kill themselves with it. To counteract the avalanche of stupidity which smothers every product’s lifecycle, the final nine months of every product’s development is spent by lawyers and engineers brainstorming possible ways that people could inadvertently lose a major organ by using their product. As a result, lawyers are paid millions of dollars to write goofy little disclaimers encompassing every single possible negative use of the product, and print companies are paid millions of dollars to make tags that carry the lawyers’ million dollar disclaimers. This is why you always see completely idiotic warning tags like the following:
As a result, I think it’s naturally fair to blame the perfume company in this recent dog attack. When was the last time you picked up a bottle of perfume and saw a warning sticker attached to it? The answer, of course, is NEVER. The perfume industry is clearly negligent in this scenario; all they do is manufacture a glass bottle which looks like a female’s key reproductive organ, fill it up with really diluted orange Kool Aid, give it a fictional name that one of the ad guys heard in his dreams, and slap a $60 price tag on the box. It’s about time somebody knocks the meglomaniacal perfume giants off their high horses and makes them pay for all the people eaten by pets after using their perfume of death. To help jump-start the perfume warning label industry, I have taken it upon myself to create an example warning sticker.
After all, should these giant companies get away with putting the lives of human beings behind PROFITS and GREED? I think not! Since there was clearly no sticker warning the ignorant victim of her heightened chances to be eaten by a dog, I believe the proper order of lawsuits stemming from this case should be the following:
1. Dog owner sues victim’s family for allowing victim to be eaten, causing dog indigestion and ultimately death.
2. Victim’s family sues perfume industry for failing to notify victim that upon wearing the perfume, she should never, ever, ever, ever leave her house or purchase a dog.
3. Perfume factory sues engineers for failing to include "secret bonus ingredient" which keeps dogs from eating people wearing their perfume.
4. Engineers sue colleges they attended, claiming professors failed to teach them the connection between "smelling like flowers" and "dogs tearing out your intestines."
5. College sues all teachers and instructors in school, including dog attack victim (who worked for Saint Mary’s College), for failing to emphasize the "Ways to Be Mauled By People’s Pets, 102a" class.
Once again the Great Wheel of Justice comes full circle, resulting in so many convoluted lawsuits that the victim’s family actually ends up SUING THEMSELVES. For all you people who think there are too many lawsuits in America, I would have to disagree and cite this example. There are not enough lawsuits! If more people would just "play it smart" and pass the buck when it comes to suing, eventually all legal cases would come full circle and winning a lawsuit ultimately means you’ll be losing in the long run, because subsequent lawsuits will come up and bite you in your fat, lazy ass. I think this whole killer Nazi dog incident could result in a big change in America, one which will change the entire legal system as we know it. Oh yeah, and I’ll also finally be able to put on makeup and crossdress while visiting the kennel, which is one of my lifelong dreams.
