Schrödinger’s cat

My True Calling…

Here
is what is up for auction to help you with names in each picture below:
AUTOBOTS 1984:OPTIMUS PRIME, TRAILBREAKER, SIDESWIPE, SUNSTREAKER,
WHEELJACK, JAZZ, RATCHET, IRONHIDE, BLUESTREAK, PROWL, HOUND, MIRAGE,
BUMBLEBEE, CLIFFJUMPER, BRAWN, WINDCHARGER, HUFFER, GEARS,
BUMBLEJUMPER, RED BUMBLEBEE, YELLOW CLIFFJUMPER. DECEPTICONS 1984:
MEGATRON, SOUNDWAVE, BUZZSAW, RAVAGE, RUMBLE, FRENZY, LAZERBEAK,
STARSCREAM, SKYWARP, THUNDERCRACKER. AUTOBOTS 1985: OMEGA SUPREME,
JETFIRE, BLASTER, PERCEPTOR, ROADBUSTER, WHIRL, TOPSPIN, TWINTWIST,
POWERGLIDE, COSMOS, SEASPRAY, BEACHCOMBER, WARPATH, CAMSHAFT… (other 99/100ths of the list not quoted)                           

TRANSFORMER  SELLER:
"HELLO I HAVE ZILLIONS OF TRANSFORMERS INCLUDING BEASTBOX, QUAKE,
SPINSTER, NEEDLENOSE, FLAMEFEATHER, AND SPARKSTALKER, THE ULTIMATE
COLLECTION INDEED."                               

TRANSFORMER  BUYER:
"OH WELL THAT’S A VERY NICE COLLECTION BUT DO YOU HAVE SPROCKET,
OVERRUN, ASTRO SQUAD, METRO SQUAD, AND CONSTRUCTION PATROL?"

TRANSFORMER SELLER:
"WHY YES I DO THAT’S A DUMB QUESTION BECAUSE I HAVE EVERY SINGLE DAMN
TRANSFORMER EVERY MADE IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE."                              

TRANSFORMER BUYER:
"OH YES I BET YOU DO, HEY I THINK THIS ABOMINUS TRANSFORMER HAS BITE
MARKS ON ITS LEG FROM WHEN YOU WERE A KID."

TRANSFORMER SELLER:
"NO, I MADE THOSE BITE MARKS LAST WHILE NIGHT IN BED, TRYING TO SILENCE
THE VOICES IN MY HEAD THAT SPEAK TO ME AND TELL ME THAT COLONEL SANDERS
IS A STUNT BIKER WOOKIE BENT ON WORLD DOMINATION."                              

TRANSFORMER BUYER:
"WOW YOU HAVE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD TOO? DO YOURS TALK TO YOU IN ALL CAPS
LIKE MINE?"

TRANSFORMER SELLER: "WHY
YES THEY DO, NOW GIVE ME THE $10,000 OR I’M TAKING BACK THE COMPUTRON."                              

TRANSFORMER BUYER: "OKAY LET ME JUST PULL THE PLUG ON MY MOM AND COLLECT THE CHECK."

                            

HOLLYWOOD  IDEA, SCRIPT "NEW YEAR’S EVE" FILM - $100,000.00- GREAT
HOLLYWOOD IDEA! "NEW YEAR’S EVE" SCREENPLAY.. LOGLINE: "ON NEW YEAR’S
EVE, A COP DISCOVERS A TERRORIST PLOT TO BLOW UP TIMES SQUARE, NY."
THIS SPEC SCRIPT IS TITLED "NEW YEAR’S EVE".

   "GREAT HOLLYWOOD IDEA." -
All caps might denote an "exciting" script, but it also might suggest
author uses AOL, so you’ll probably have to download Instant Messenger
to chat with him.

  "’NEW YEARS EVE’ SCREENPLAY"
- Script probably takes place on or around New Year’s Eve, hinting at a
very tight shooting schedule and lots of inebriated family members.                              

"ON
NEW YEAR’S EVE, A COP DISCOVERS A TERRORIST PLOT TO BLOW UP TIMES
SQUARE, NY" - If you do not own Times Square or know a friend
who owns it, you will probably have difficulty filming there. I’d
imagine it costs at least $100,000 to buy Times Square, so the total
price of shooting the film has already doubled! This is what’s known in
the screenwriting industry as the old "bait and switch" or the "Rhode
Island Rimjob." You’ll also have to get a Police officer’s uniform,
which means you’ll have to kill a cop, and you can’t do that unless
you’re a popular rapper or drug czar (in which case you probably won’t
have to worry about money anyway).

THIS SPEC SCRIPT IS TITLED "NEW YEAR’S EVE"
- Added for emphasis I suppose, or in case you forgot what you read one
sentence earlier.                            

 

"ARBOR DAY"
by Mario Geronimo

                              

Starring BRUCE WILLIS as "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER"
Costarring LIV TYLER as "SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS"

   

SCENE ONE: TOP SECRET CIA HEADQUARTERS
(Enter ARNOLD screenright or possibly screenleft, depending on how the
furniture is placed in the room)
CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER:
"Arnold! You’re late! You’ve done it again! You’re a loose cannon!
You’re fired!"
ARNOLD: "CIA-you in hell, bastard!"                                 
(throws CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER out the window, who explodes shortly
thereafter)
CIA GUY:
"Wow, you saved us! That wasn’t CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER, but was
instead a clone with scientifically manufactured DNA which explodes at
a predetermined time!"
ARNOLD: "I know."
THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: (Exiting his office)
"And here I was in my office the entire time! Good thing you’re here,
ARNOLD, I’ve been meaning to tell you that you’re late, you’ve done it
again, you’re a loose cannon, and you’re fired."
ARNOLD: "CIA-you later, creep!"
THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: "You’ve already used that catch phrase."

SCENE TWO: ARNOLD’S HOME
(Enter ARNOLD from the front door, which should be placed on or near
the front of the house)
ARNOLD:
"I cannot believe I’ve been framed for a crime I didn’t commit. I
wonder where my wife is." (Phone rings) "Hello?"
GUY ON PHONE:
"Your wife has been kidnapped by us terrorists who are planning on
cloning her DNA and turning her into millions of ticking time bombs of
destruction which will blow up the capital and various other famous
national landmarks which we will list once we get access to a Google map."
ARNOLD: (Thinking deeply) "You’ll pay for this!"
GUY ON PHONE: "Muuuhaha,
I doubt that! What can one man do? We’re a terrorist army of thousands!"
ARNOLD:
"I’ll defeat you and kill you all and get my wife back before you can
turn her into a ticking time bomb of destruction!"
GUY ON PHONE: (Talking to people in the background) "Oh shit, we never planned on that!"
(Hangs up)
ARNOLD: (In a very serious tone of voice) "Time to pay the piper! It’s Arbor Day."                                 
(Gets into some type of vehicle which has multiple mounted artillery
cannons and tinted windows)

SCENE THREE: THE HIGHWAY
(ARNOLD
destroys 14 terrorist jeeps, four terrorist trucks, three terrorist
helicopters, one municipal building, an ambulance which was carrying an
injured terrorist to the ER, and a schoolbus transporting a terrorist’s
niece)
ARNOLD:"Have a pleasant afternoon."

SCENE FOUR: THE TERRORIST’S HIDEOUT
(If you have a big budget, please make this something cool like an
underground magic labyrinth or floating base. If you don’t have any
cash left, use an abandoned poetry house)
HEAD TERRORIST: "With your DNA, I shall RULE THE WORLD!!!"
SECOND-IN-COMMAND
TERRORIST WHO HAS A DISTINCTLY DIFFERENT SKIN COLOR THAN THE MAIN
TERRORIST SO WE DON’T GET SUED FOR RACISM: "Look!"                                 
(Points to the human-sized air duct, which suddenly emits smoke)
THIRD-IN-COMMAND TERRORIST WHO IS YET ANOTHER NATIONALITY JUST TO MAKE SURE WE DON’T GET SUED:
"Everybody shoot the human-sized air duct! There must be an intruder in
there!"
(They all shoot at the air duct)
ARNOLD: (Bursting
through the floor panels which he got to by crawling through the
human-sized water sewage disposal system. Shoots and kills all the
terrorists in the room)                                 "Tree down, one to go."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "Uh,
no, you actually just killed them all. There aren’t any more
terrorists. There were only three left."
ARNOLD: "You don’t want to STICK with this BRANCH of terrorism, eh? HA HA."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "Oh, what an Arbor Day!"
(Comedic faint aimed at appealing to the under-12 year old-demographic)

SCENE FIVE: ARNOLD’S HOME
(He and his wife are resting comfortably on the couch. Dick Clark is on
television, broadcasting from the world famous National Arbor Day
celebration at the capitol)
DICK CLARK: "…and this truly was an Arbor Day to remember."
ARNOLD AND SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS IN UNISON: "You got that right! Ha ha ha ha!"
(Telephone rings)
THE REAL CIA DIRECTOR MIKE FISCHER: (On phone) "Hello
Arnold? We heard about that great job you did on the multiracial
terrorists who were planning on blowing up the world! We’d like to give
you your job back and supply you with enough promotions to essentially
bestow upon you the ranking of Jesus Christ in this organization."
ARNOLD: "You can take your job and SHOVEL it."
(Hangs up)
ARNOLD AND SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS IN UNISON: "Ha ha ha ha."
SULTRY ANNE BOSOMS: "I didn’t get that last joke."

THE
END; FADE TO BLACK OR POSSIBLY A LIGHTER COLOR IF BLACK CANNOT BE
AFFORDED

Well,
that’s it. I hope you enjoyed the exclusive script of "Arbor Day." If
you didn’t, I really don’t care because it’s not like I’m charging
$100,000 or anything. That’s just insane. However, if you’d like to pay
me $100,000 ,  I’d be more than willing to accept it.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 10th, 2006 at 4:28 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.