Schrödinger’s cat

Rocktree (Transformers figure)

The
classic Transformers were awesome but over time the franchise lost its
way, becoming needlessly complicated. For example there was the
ridiculous Beast Wars series, which had the robots we all know and love
transforming into monkeys and parrots and shit instead of jet fighters
or spiffy cars or boomboxes. It’s a little-known fact that in the
transition from the classic line of toys to Beast Wars, a number of
experimental figures were released to gauge the audience’s interest in
robots that could transform into entirely useless objects. So enters
Rocktree.

Rocktree is unique because he doesn’t have
a base robot form. We’re all familiar with Optimus Prime and Bumblebee
leaping into action with huge laserguns in their hands, kicking other
robots in the metallic junk and headbutting apartment buildings with
their robotic foreheads. Rocktree can’t do any of that. He starts out
as a rock, and he transforms into a tree. He doesn’t have a gun or even
a face. When you think about it though, I think that gives him an
advantage.

Rocktree failed horribly. There were
less than a thousand figures produced, and eight hundred of those were
angrily thrown against a wall one at a time by the toy company’s Chief
Financial Officer. For some reason though, I thought he was the coolest
of all the Transformers. I used to sit in my yard all day and imagine I
was Rocktree, staying perfectly still in tree form while the
Decepticons discussed the details of their latest evil scheme at the
company picnic under the shade of my robotic leaves.