Blowin’ Up Batman
Batman is dead. After mistakenly grabbing a can of Spray-On Bomb Exploder from his utility belt while reaching for the Spray-On Bomb Diffuser, our most superpowerless hero has departed this world for the big batcave in the sky. DC has confirmed that no attempt will be made to resurrect the character. Batman is gone for good.
In memory of the Batman we all grew up with, let us reflect upon some of his comic book appearances and hope that there are bad guys in heaven just waiting to be broodingly gazed down upon from a dark rooftop.
"Sherlock’s Erotic Dance"
Batman #22
Hoping to become the world’s greatest detective, Batman seeks advice from none other than Sherlock Holmes himself. What he gets, however, is an unexpected lesson in the art of the booty dance.
Batman: I really don’t see what this has to do with fingerprinting!
Sherlock: My boy, if there is one thing I have learned in the course of my investigations, it is that one cannot keep their hands away from a booty that is being properly shaken. I don’t know how you Americans gather fingerprints, but that’s how us Brits do it.
Batman: Hmm. Yeah. Yeaaahhh.
"Dr. Batman"
Detective Comics #35
There’s a killer loose in Gotham City… tetanus! Armed with the newly-developed vaccine, Batman is out to eliminate this scourge from the city once and for all.
Batman: Inject this man with the tetanus vaccine… NOW!
Doctor: That’s what I was doing!
Patient: Will you two please stop? That needle keeps jamming into my shoulder!
Batman: Just… (struggling) inject him already!
Doctor: I’m trying to inject him! Why are you fighting me?
Batman: It’s the only way I know how to help people!
"The Wrong Turn"
Detective Comics #94
Batman’s navigational skills are put to the ultimate test in this thrilling aqueductic adventure!
Robin: We’re trying to get to the moon, right? I don’t think we should be seeing water.
Batman: You don’t understand space. It’s complicated.
Robin: I understand sewers. Which is what we’re in. We should have taken the Batrocket.
Batman: Nonsense, I think we’re almost there. It should be this next left.
"Swimming Too Soon After Lunch"
Batman #156
A pleasant lunch on the beach for Batman and Robin turns into a pleasant lunch… of danger!
Batman: Why didn’t he listen to my warnings? How could I fall asleep in the sand after we ate that macaroni salad? Why was he swimming in his costume? Whyyyy?
Crab: (crab sounds)
"The Worst Plan"
Detective Comics #134
When Batman’s eagerness to try out a newly-acquired pair of giant guns gets the best of him, good intentions turn sour!
Robin: Shooting ourselves into orbit with giant guns… wow!
Batman: Yeah, pretty great, right? We’ll be in France to stop the Joker’s evil plan in no time!
Robin: So is someone waiting for us down there with a net or a mattress, or did you bring some parachutes?
Batman: Robin, there’s something I must tell you.
Robin: Yes, Batman?
Batman: I’m invincible. It’s been an honor working with you.
"Day Of The Homo-Ray"
Detective Comics 184
What strange man would harness the power of the rainbow, and for what insidious purpose?
Manman: By simply undoing my belt I have exposed you to the Homo-Ray!
Robin: Argh! I’m suddenly… tolerant of homosexuality!
Batman: NO! Fight it! Fight it with all of your strength, boy!
Robin: I’m trying! But these feelings of… hatred and… fear… are vanishing!
Batman: The cyanide, Robin. Now is the time.
"Batman And Robin Go To A Phish Concert"
Batman #415
What strange band would harness the power of a 45-minute cover of The Facts Of Life theme song, and for what insidious purpose?
Robin: Argh! I’m suddenly… tolerant of hackeysack!
Batman: NO! Those cyanide pills that man gave us, Robin. I think they must have gone bad! I think… I think gravity is much too weak here! Someone hold me down!
"Bruce Wayne’s Father Fills In"
Detective Comics #620
When Bruce Wayne is called away on an urgent business trip to Egypt for two weeks, a replacement Batman must be found lest his secret identity be discovered.
Batman: Thanks for doing this, Dad. I was a little worried you wouldn’t fit into the costume, but if anything it’s a little big on you.
Thomas Wayne:
Batman: Again with the vase. I was five years old, God damn you!
"Caught Stealing"
Batman #121
Batman? Stealing? Say it ain’t so!
Batman: Oh, come on! It was just ice! You’ve got a whole continent of it!
"Caught Again"
Detective Comics #326
Batman? Stealing again? Surely there must be some mistake!
Batman: Oh, come on! It was just a child with a birdface! You’ve got a whole planet of them!
"Again? Seriously?"
Batman #128
What the hell man?
Batman: Oh, come on! It was just a planet!
"The Lineup"
Detective Comics #328
Will Batman and Robin survive the intense scrutiny of a police lineup? Is it really fair for someone to wear a mask in one of these things?
Witness: Let’s see… the guy that stole my watch was big, wearin’ some kinda dark outfit with a blueish cape and cowl.
Batman: Don’t you mean he was small, and wearing a brightly colored outfit?
Detective Wilson: Quiet, you. Just stand still. Sir, do you see your attacker in this lineup?
Witness: Yeah, I think I see him.
Batman: Me too. It’s this guy on my left. I’d recognize that devious grin and those beady little eyes anywhere.
"On Trial!"
Detective Comics #281
This trial of the century is so incredible, you’ll say "I OBJECT to getting so much entertainment for such a small amount of money"!
Lawyer: As you can see in this realtime X-Ray, your honor, my client clearly has ribs.
Judge: And your point?
Batman: I couldn’t have possibly stolen that Faberge egg, your honor. Not with all these ribs to take care of! It’s a full time job. There would be no time left to plan or execute an elaborate plot to make the Flash dizzy enough to pass out so I could steal the egg in his care.
Judge: Isn’t that the Faberge egg right there in your stomach?
Batman: (to Lawyer) The torso defense never works! I can’t believe I was dense enough to hire you simply because your name is Lawyer.
