Monday, June 11th, 2007
Captain America is dead. Gunned down on the steps of a courthouse as he was about to testify against the kingpin of The Gang That Guns People Down On Courthouse Steps in the latest issue of his comic, our most patriotic of superheroes has departed this world for the big America in the sky. Marvel hinted that a new person may step in to take his place in the future, but the original man behind the mask, Steve Rogers, is gone for good.
In memory of the Captain America we all grew up with, let us reflect upon some of his finest comic book appearances and hope that there are bad guys in heaven just waiting to be pummeled with a shield.
"Captain America Vs. The Nasis"
Captain America vol. 1 #23
Having punched every Nazi in Germany square in the face at least once, Captain America returns to the U.S. and looks up "Nazi" in his phone book. This leads to Cap mistakenly squaring off against an innocent middle class family with the unfortunate last name of "Nasi".
Key Moment
Mitch Nasi: You’re going to punch my dog too? It’s bad enough that you assaulted my wife and children!
Captain America: Sorry, Fritz! I guess now the only trick your mutt will know is (uppercuts) PLAY DEAD!
Mitch Nasi: That was my daughter again!
"Attack Of The Impossibly Large Spider-Man"
Captain America vol. 1 #137
When one of Spider-Man’s scientific experiments goes horribly wrong, he becomes 74 feet tall! And evil! Will the combined forces of Captain America and the Falcon be enough to stop the gigantic webbed wonder? How does the mysterious appearance of 74 foot tall photographer Peter Parker tie into everything?
Key Moment
Captain America: Sweet liberty, Spider-Man, you’re huge!
Spider-Man: Mmmph mrrlph! (eating The Falcon)
Captain America: I don’t understand a word of what you’re saying. Just wait until you’ve swallowed.
Spider-Man: Glrrg mmsh? (opens his mouth wide to display the half-chewed mush that was once The Falcon)
Captain America: Yuck! Why you… I just ate! I JUST ATE!
"Behind Bars"
Captain America vol. 1 #260
During a field trip to Alcatraz with the Avengers, Captain America steps inside an old prison cell to pose for a picture - and gets left behind for the weekend!
Key Moment
Captain America: Man, I hate prison. Boooring
"Captain America Defends His Horrible Choice Of Wallpaper"
Captain America vol. 1 #299
When Captain America decorates his room with yellow wallpaper spotted with crude caricatures of disembodied heads, the Avengers respond with revulsion. Who will win this battle of the wills?
Key Moment
Iron Man: I’m just saying, have some consideration for the people you live with.
Captain America: This is my room! You guys got on my case when I had the fire sprinkler installed and now you’re bugging me about this. Get off my case already!
Hawkeye: That was just a lawn sprinkler! And you left it on nonstop for a week!
Captain America: And as I recall, the house didn’t burn down that week. Not even once.
"The Underwhelming Halloween Costume"
Captain America vol. 1 #405
Captain America shows up to a Halloween party dressed in a werewolf mask, hoping to impress the object of his affections with his originality. Instead, he is met with a cold shoulder of doom. Can our hero survive the night of a thousand frights?
Key Moment
Captain America: Yes, I’m telling you that it is a great costume. Do you know what a werewolf is? Maybe you just aren’t familiar with the lore. A werewolf is-
Stacey: I know what a werewolf is. Do you know what an asshole is?
Captain America: I have never heard that word in my life.
"Captain America Vs. The Museum Of Natural History"
Captain America vol. 1 #416
Twenty four pages of pure action as Captain America gives the Museum Of Natural History the beating of a lifetime! You’ve never read an issue as pulse-pounding as this!
Key Moment
Captain America: I… (kicks a T-Rex display over) HATE… (throws his shield through the bones of a giant sloth) HISTORY! (brings both fists down on the head of a blue whale model)
"Shield Of Destiny"
Captain America vol. 3 #9
Captain America’s new talking shield is way better than his old non-talking one, but something doesn’t seem quite right. Can he really trust this shield with his life or is it already too late?
Key Moment
Shieldy: You should just wear sweatpants and a baggy Looney Tunes shirt like, all the time.
Captain America: I dunno, really? You think I should?
Shieldy: Yeah. Yeah, I do. Hey, have you ever thought about quitting this superhero thing and becoming a telemarketer? It’s waaay less risky.
"Changing Teams"
Marvel Versus DC #3
As the DC and Marvel universes square off in a desperate battle for survival, Captain America is traded to the Chicago Bulls for a third round draft pick. Feeling worthless and betrayed by the Marvel universe, will Cap give in to his despair and refuse to play or will he give the team his all?
Key Moment
Coach: Drive the lane! You can do it, Cap!
Captain America: I can do it, can’t I? I won’t let you down! (he stands still for three panels)
Coach: What are you waiting for?
Captain America: Which thing is the ball?
"Attacked By The Ant-Man"
Avengers vol. 1 #161
When Captain America leaves his dirty dishes laying around the Avengers complex, unexpected guests arrive: hundreds of thousands of ants! Will the rest of the team finally confront him about his slovenly ways? Do the Avengers have enough beds to accommodate their guests?
Key Moment
Captain America: What’s with the ants?
Hawkeye: What do you think happens when you leave food laying around?
Captain America: Wait, I think I know this one. Evaporation?
