Jurassic Park IV: The Gunnening

The following is neither fictional nor a joke: Jurassic Park IV is in the
works, and it is about a squad of dinosaurs who have been trained by the
government to kill people with firearms.

As in guns.

Maybe this is happening because no one would have taken Jurassic Park IV
seriously if it had a more realistic story about dinosaurs who have been cloned
for a fourth time when the first three attempts ended in complete disaster.
Maybe the filmmakers realized they’d get paid either way and said
"fuck it, let’s go for the Snakes On A Plane angle" although that
movie was also a complete disaster.

Either way, it’s happening and there’s nothing you can do about it
aside from signing an online petition to provide others with a few moments of
laughter. One question begs to be asked: If this is the plot that was decided
on, what horrible ideas didn’t get the green light?

Jurassic
Park IV: Bones Of Contention

A religious group that believes dinosaur fossils are a fabrication of modern
science clones their dead leader with a DNA sample that he left on an abortion
clinic’s front window mere days before his death. This man appears on
24-hour news networks in a series of heated debates with a velociraptor who
insists dinosaurs actually roamed the earth.

Against all odds, the two set aside their beliefs and become steadfast
friends after they unknowingly schedule book signings in the same store on the
same day. When the two go on a fateful hunting trip together and come across a
group of the religious leader’s old friends, he must choose which side to
hunt on and which side to kill.

Jurassic Park IV: Terrorspawn

When terrorists begin cloning Tyrannosaurus Rexes en masse and releasing
them near major U.S. landmarks, the government responds by resurrecting another
extinct species to battle them: silver trout.

Feel your patriotic heart beat stronger and faster than ever before as
millions of trout face off against thousands of T-Rexes in some of the most
stunning cgi sequences ever rendered. Featuring the same procedural animation
software that powered the Mordor and Helms Deep battles in the Lord Of The
Rings trilogy, as is evident in the climactic scene where a handful of trout
were mistakenly rendered as orcs.

Jurassic Park IV: Dinosaurs Dinosaurs Dinosaurs

A thought-provoking biopic that examines the life of Jacob Collamer, the
16th postmaster general of the U.S. Postal Service. Involves no dinosaurs
whatsoever.

Jurassic Park IV: Badminton To The Bone

In this wacky sports comedy, the world’s greatest badminton player, S.H.
Uttlecock, is at the top of his game. He rests easy at night in the Rolls Royce
that’s parked in one of his mansion’s many bedrooms, confident that no
one can match his skills. No one, that is, but a pterodactyl that has been
trained by the U.S. government to beat the British at their own game.

As their rivalry heats up, the laughs keep a comin’! Starring Will
Ferrell as the pterodactyl.

Jurassic Park IV: Hitmanosaur

A baby brontosaurus survives the original Jurassic Park incident, only to be
discovered by the Europe’s most sadistic crime boss. For the next fifteen
years he is trained to be a master of disguise, capable of pulling off
impossible assassinations while remaining practically invisible. Now only one
man (Jason Statham) can stop him.

Features an unforgettable scene in which the brontosaurus stomps on Louis
Farrakhan in the middle of the Million Man March, then ducks behind a phone
booth to replace his suit and bow tie with a National Park Service uniform
before receding into the crowd.

Jurassic
Park IV: Before Extinction

Trained by the government to adopt vaguely liberal ideologies and discuss
philosophical concepts at length, a male and female brachiosaurus meet by
chance on a European train and disembark together in Vienna.

Knowing they will likely never meet each other again, they open up and share
their innermost thoughts and secrets as they meander through the city for one
magical night. Featuring Mike Meyers as the voice of Mike Meyers’ Scottish
ghost.

Jurassic Park IV: Hollywood Attacks

When a film producer options the rights to John Hammonds’ failed theme
park, he hires a screenwriter to copy the plot of WE3, a comic about a
small group of animals who have been trained by the government to kill with
futuristic weaponry.

Ends in a confusing finale in which actual dinosaurs with guns attack fake
dinosaurs with actual guns who are filming the movie-within-a-movie while Jeff
Goldblum wrestles with his clone on a conveyer belt that slowly draws them both
closer to a gigantic blade which is used by editors to splice frames of
film.

In retrospect, maybe a movie about dinosaurs with guns isn’t so bad.
Just keep telling yourself that when you come across a movie poster that reads,
"Guns don’t kill people, dinosaurs kill people" next spring.

The internet world was rocked this weekend when a new program, Wikipedia
Scanner, confirmed that corporations habitually edit their own Wikipedia
entries to whitewash criticism and add their PR spin. Worse yet, governmental
organizations have been caught tampering with the entries for various political
figures and subjects. These revelations come as a great blow to Wikipedia, who
has seen its utopian purpose thwarted by the sleazy hands of capitalism and
propaganda.

Initial reports revealed that Microsoft had tampered with information
regarding the failure rate of the Xbox 360; WalMart had put a happy spin on
their low wages; the FBI had removed photos of Guantanamo Bay, and the Vatican
had removed controversial articles about Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams.

These early reports only scratch the surface of this incredibly deep, broad,
tall, stout and husky issue. Through extensive use of Wikipedia Scanner,
Something Awful can exclusively reveal the following shocking bombshells:

The
McDonalds corporation repeatedly removed information detailing
Grimace’s heroin addiction and his possible connection to the murder of his
former girlfriend, Playboy model Shannon Tweed.

Singer Geddy
Lee painstakingly edited the entry for his band Rush, modifying over
seven hundred references to his unusually high voice. A typical edit changed
the text "Lee is known for his unusually high voice" to "Some
people say Geddy Lee has an unusually high voice, but scientifically, if you
look at it with waves and spectrums and stuff, his voice is really pretty
average and not especially high, it’s much more of an average male
masculine voice. Lots of people are jealous of his voice because it has good
tone, and those people try to deride Geddy Lee by saying his voice is really
high, but actually it’s a pretty normal voice, and he’s not sensitive
about his voice but he often has to correct people when they say it’s high,
because it’s not, and anybody who has heard his speaking voice will tell
you that it’s pretty normal, not too high, not too low."

Reports indicate that
Dracula regularly scoured his own Wikipedia page, removing any
information that might indicate he was fictional.

The Danish
Parliament, in an apparent practical joke, entirely swapped the full text
of the entries for Norway and Sweden. After two years, this change has yet to
be reverted.

The
Republican National Committee removed twelve paragraphs of well-cited
evidence that Mitt Romney is a cannibal, replacing it with the lyrics to
John Cougar Mellencamp’s 1986 hit Heartland Eagle.

American hate
group Society for Aryan Dominance peppered the biography of George
Washington Carver with subtle implications that he was a white man in
disguise.

Nintendo
removed links to articles detailing a July, 2007 incident in which an unsecured
Wii remote was thrown clean through a baby.

Sources within
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. modified the entry about deceased
wrestler Chris Benoit, claiming that his homicidal rampage was not a result of
steroid use but of addiction to the fictional street drug "Nuke,"
featured prominently in the plot of Robocop II.

The CIA
made numerous edits to the entry about Dracula, each time adding copious
evidence to indicate that he is a fictional character.

The campaign
office of presidential hopeful John McCain merged the candidate’s
article with the entries for Santa Claus, new socks, springtime, kittens and
Star Wars.

Bottled
water manufacturer Perrier added several paragraphs of incorrect
information to the entry on competitor San Pellegrino:

Pellegrino bottling process is known as the toenail shit water. Ten
million bottles of shit water produce every year from Pellegrino, and many get
sick and die. Most water come from the toilets of the retard.

Water is then mixed from the rusty hose, then the water is filtered
through the armpit of the prostitute and into the mouth of old man, and old man
he spit the water into face of granny, mix with the dribble of granny then spit
into jar of the rotten teeth, where it sit for several months to fester and
they add fresh worms every week.

They bring the water then to Satan, who does the reverse blessing on the
water, making it so anyone who drink of the water is condemned to the hell.
Green bottles for the water is then crafted from the bones of the Nazis who are
hang for war crimes. Pellegrino is voted #1 drink of the pedophile
shithead.