Schrödinger’s cat

The internet world was rocked this weekend when a new program, Wikipedia
Scanner, confirmed that corporations habitually edit their own Wikipedia
entries to whitewash criticism and add their PR spin. Worse yet, governmental
organizations have been caught tampering with the entries for various political
figures and subjects. These revelations come as a great blow to Wikipedia, who
has seen its utopian purpose thwarted by the sleazy hands of capitalism and
propaganda.

Initial reports revealed that Microsoft had tampered with information
regarding the failure rate of the Xbox 360; WalMart had put a happy spin on
their low wages; the FBI had removed photos of Guantanamo Bay, and the Vatican
had removed controversial articles about Sinn Fein leader Gerry Adams.

These early reports only scratch the surface of this incredibly deep, broad,
tall, stout and husky issue. Through extensive use of Wikipedia Scanner,
Something Awful can exclusively reveal the following shocking bombshells:

The
McDonalds corporation repeatedly removed information detailing
Grimace’s heroin addiction and his possible connection to the murder of his
former girlfriend, Playboy model Shannon Tweed.

Singer Geddy
Lee painstakingly edited the entry for his band Rush, modifying over
seven hundred references to his unusually high voice. A typical edit changed
the text "Lee is known for his unusually high voice" to "Some
people say Geddy Lee has an unusually high voice, but scientifically, if you
look at it with waves and spectrums and stuff, his voice is really pretty
average and not especially high, it’s much more of an average male
masculine voice. Lots of people are jealous of his voice because it has good
tone, and those people try to deride Geddy Lee by saying his voice is really
high, but actually it’s a pretty normal voice, and he’s not sensitive
about his voice but he often has to correct people when they say it’s high,
because it’s not, and anybody who has heard his speaking voice will tell
you that it’s pretty normal, not too high, not too low."

Reports indicate that
Dracula regularly scoured his own Wikipedia page, removing any
information that might indicate he was fictional.

The Danish
Parliament, in an apparent practical joke, entirely swapped the full text
of the entries for Norway and Sweden. After two years, this change has yet to
be reverted.

The
Republican National Committee removed twelve paragraphs of well-cited
evidence that Mitt Romney is a cannibal, replacing it with the lyrics to
John Cougar Mellencamp’s 1986 hit Heartland Eagle.

American hate
group Society for Aryan Dominance peppered the biography of George
Washington Carver with subtle implications that he was a white man in
disguise.

Nintendo
removed links to articles detailing a July, 2007 incident in which an unsecured
Wii remote was thrown clean through a baby.

Sources within
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. modified the entry about deceased
wrestler Chris Benoit, claiming that his homicidal rampage was not a result of
steroid use but of addiction to the fictional street drug "Nuke,"
featured prominently in the plot of Robocop II.

The CIA
made numerous edits to the entry about Dracula, each time adding copious
evidence to indicate that he is a fictional character.

The campaign
office of presidential hopeful John McCain merged the candidate’s
article with the entries for Santa Claus, new socks, springtime, kittens and
Star Wars.

Bottled
water manufacturer Perrier added several paragraphs of incorrect
information to the entry on competitor San Pellegrino:

Pellegrino bottling process is known as the toenail shit water. Ten
million bottles of shit water produce every year from Pellegrino, and many get
sick and die. Most water come from the toilets of the retard.

Water is then mixed from the rusty hose, then the water is filtered
through the armpit of the prostitute and into the mouth of old man, and old man
he spit the water into face of granny, mix with the dribble of granny then spit
into jar of the rotten teeth, where it sit for several months to fester and
they add fresh worms every week.

They bring the water then to Satan, who does the reverse blessing on the
water, making it so anyone who drink of the water is condemned to the hell.
Green bottles for the water is then crafted from the bones of the Nazis who are
hang for war crimes. Pellegrino is voted #1 drink of the pedophile
shithead.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 24th, 2007 at 12:06 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.